The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
