You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
