you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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