why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
