We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
