just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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