I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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