Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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