I'm passing your future prison.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
