Pants 0. Shit 1.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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