he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
