just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
