I hate all girls vehemently.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Ketchup is God's man juice
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
