he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
