8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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