I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
