Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
