cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
