I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
