If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
