shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
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