Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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