i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
