You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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