I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
