It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
