Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
