I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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