I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
