You smell like a Billy Joel song
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
