You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
