i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize