I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
