i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
