I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize