You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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