Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
