You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
