i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
