Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
