Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Found the puke drawer
You may now shotgun with the bride
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
