At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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