508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
