I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
