i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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