Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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