the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
false alarm. still invincible.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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