My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
