By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I did not marry a roomba.
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