I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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