my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
