I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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