so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
