and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
