So drunk, too bad you don't want this
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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