ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
