sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
