Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
