Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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