just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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