I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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