so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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