have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
