I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
