yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
