For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
